Ruth Stoops

Blessings.

Full to the brim.

Squishing peas on your tray,

Giggling at the trick.

Winter sunlight glints through leaded glass,

Resting on my angel.

Furrowed brow.

Mr. Potato Head’s bottom fell off again.

Tricycle wheels.

Bump, pedal, bump.

Bright blue eyes,

Wide with wonder.

You did it!

Little boy kisses

Anointing my skin.

Joyful babble,

My benediction.

These are Sacred days,

Held together by the ordinary.

Diapers, raisins, Legos.

Little fat feet pounding down the hall.

Amen, and amen.

I try not to blink.

Landon-

Pretty soon you won’t be the only boy around these parts.  Your brother is growing and kicking and I have a feeling he will give you a run for your money!  But today, I cherish you.  My buddy.  My boy.

Look at you!  This picture captures you so well.  Pensive, sweet, a little glint of mischief in the eye.  Oh….I love you!  You are so beautiful to me that sometimes when I look at you I can’t even breathe.  You are a gift.

Your independence is developing, so you don’t like cuddling as much as you used to.  But when I get the chance, I love to bury my head in  your neck, snack on your cheeks, and steal kisses from those sweet lips of yours.

Our lives are going to  change in just a few short months.  You will have to learn to live with less attention.  You will have to learn the meaning of waiting.  You will have to share.  BUT.  You will always be our Landon boy.  I pray that your relationship with your brother fills the gaps as we learn to be a bigger family.  I can’t wait to see you holding him!

This tricksy baby is a BOY!

Everyone kept telling us we were having a girl.  I kind of thought so myself.  But then I had several wonderful birth dreams and every time, there he was.  A boy.  Not a Landon boy, but this boy.  This one that hides behind my/our anterior placenta.  This one that we conceived while we thought we were pregnant.  This one that is going to turn our worlds upside down.

Going from one child to two is so overwhelming that I have to laugh sometimes.  I won’t have more hands, more time, more sleep.  There will just be more crying, more needing, more poop.  I will have to give Landon less, and convince him that it’s going to be okay.  And I must give this little boy less than I had for Landon when he was new.  It’s just not really fair.  But it’s life, and it’s part of being a part of a family.  Everyone has to put a little more into the pot.

Lord, please bless this silly Stoops Family Pot.  We are clueless and small, and we need your wisdom and strength.  Amen, and amen.

Some thoughts for a cold, grey Saturday:

• When a customer comes in and says “Hi!”, do NOT say “Thank you….errr….uh….hello….”  Not smooth.
• I haven’t told my blog that I’m pregnant yet.  How did that happen?  I’M PREGNANT!  Half way done, even.  Yeesh.
• When people say that every pregnancy is different, they are not joking.  Not as bingy this time around, but there has been much more, “whoops…I think I just peed a little” going on.  And the lingering nausea?  C’mon, sweet baby.  Let’s work together here.
• Being broke at Christmas is no fun at all.  Being thrifty and living off love is a little fun.  But only just a little.
• Why do “they” try to convince me to have body image issues when I’m pregnant?  My rack is back in a big way (hallelujah!), people do stuff for me all the time, and my husband can’t keep his hands off me.  Yeah, I can’t button my pants, but I’m durn proud of this growing uterus and all these fat stores that will make milk later.  My body is performing it’s highest function.  And it’s beautiful.
• I never imagined that Landon would turn into my little cheerleader.  I wipe off the table - “Yay, mommy!”  I eat my lunch - “Good bite, mommy!”  I put on my boots - “WOW!  You DID it!”  This is totally worth all those diapers.  Apparently he’s inherited my propensity towards verbal encouragement.  Score!
• People produce less serotonin in the winter.  I produce so little anyways that I actually feel like my mood lifts simply because the gap between me and “normal” shrinks.  Summer is annoying because everyone else gets this jolt of happy energy juice.  Winter is my revenge.  :)
• Trusting God is really hard for me.  But I am learning.  Step One:  Acknowledge that just because you don’t deserve God’s goodness doesn’t mean you should not accept it.  And ask for it when you need it.

My hands are cold.  Thank you, Jesus, for hot tea, cozy blankets, and toasty toddlers.

A few nights ago we had some friends over.  They brought dinner (and dessert!).  It was delicious.  After we ate the guys and I had a jam session.  We tuned to my very out-of-tune but beloved piano and played through some of my favorite songs.  The girls were in the kitchen cleaning up and laughing, Layne was making coffee for everyone, and Landon was running around; stopping every once in awhile to dance or strum a few chords.

This was the first time in months that I have felt at home.  The new house is still a little unfamiliar.  It smells weird and there are boxes and chaos everywhere.  But the mixture of friends, sweet toddler kisses, apple pie, and acoustic guitar sent me back to my childhood.  Warm homes full of folk music, good food and a lot of love.  In that moment I felt somehow that whatever was missing during the chaos of the move and “everything” settled into place and I felt whole.  I want my children to experience music the way I did.  Live, imperfect, soulful, and unifying.

I also want to experience more apple pie.

I come here about once a week, try to conjure some motivation to write, and leave with a twinge of disappointment and guilt.  If I can’t share it all, it’s hard for me to share. I guess I just need some more time.

Landon.  19 months.  My goodness.  Here is an update on what I have been noticing about you:

• You have become such a ham, always going for a laugh.  Whether it’s to get out of trouble or just to have a little fun, you love to make us happy.
• You are SO friendly.  Your indiscriminate “Hi!” to everyone at the grocery store challenges me to see all people as worthy of a smile and warm word.
• Your favorite toys are keys and buckles.  You quickly learned which key goes into the car locks, and you have spent many, many minutes trying to open the doors.  You purse your lips and breathe heavy out of concentration….just like the Bumgarner you are. Any time you hear a key jingle, you yell, “keykey?!”, asking to go outside and have your shot at getting the car going.
• Your newest dance is jogging-in-place-with-a-huge-grin.  Dad especially loves to dance with you.
• We started doing time-outs for when you disobey.  It is hard for us sometimes because we hate to see you frustrated or sad, but you have responded so well.  You are learning about boundaries to keep you safe and kind.  You recently started putting yourself in timeout.  You hang your head and say, “Sawh.”  It takes all we have not to laugh out loud.  I am so proud of your sweet and repentant spirit.
• Your favorite place to be is OUTSIDE.  ”Shoes?  ’Side?  Nggg?”  (The last sound is your way of saying please.  We hope someday you learn the correct way, but we love it for now!)  You get super excited when we tell you to grab your shoes.  Sometimes we have to stay inside though, and you make it well known that it’s not your preference.
• You are so polite!  You say please and thank you without being prompted.  (Most of the time.)  It is important to us that you are a grateful and thoughtful boy.  So far you are exceeding our expectations.
• Dad gives you most of your baths.  You looooooove the water.  Mommy’s still nervous when you put your face in it, but we are planning on taking swim lessons this summer.  :)
• You sleep about 12 hours a night and usually nap for 3 hours in the afternoon.  THANK YOU.  (And, FINALLY.  Those first 11 months were rough on Mom, but we are doing great now!)
• You are learning a few Nepali words.  Our Bhutanese friends adore you, and you treat them like family.
• Speaking of family, one of your favorite places to visit is “Hanananah’s” house.  Aunt Tina and Uncle Billy think you’re so fun and Gabe loves you like a brother.  Abigail doesn’t know what to think of you yet.  But you and Hannah are best buds.  (You even let her take your toys and hit you on the head sometimes without crying.)  We are so lucky to see them often.
• During Mom’s Group, you and Harvey like to crawl around and laugh at each other.  You are both super huge and super cute.
• You have a big ol’ crush on Amy and Brent is your best adult friend.  We feed their chickens weeds almost every day.  You like to try to feed them your fingers.
• When you have played outside for a while, your hair smells like a puppy.
• You started snuggling after nap time.  It’s my favorite time of day.  I breathe you in, kiss those sweet cheeks, and tell you how much I love you.  It never lasts long enough.

There’s so much more to share about you….I could go on for days.  You are bright, curious, tender, enthusiastic, careful, and pleasant.  Everyone who knows you loves you.  (Me most of all.)

My, my.  What a full few weeks.  A trip to Montana, a new niece born, big steps at work, and deciding to move.

I HATE MOVING.  But, since I am working on being grateful, I have been working on changing my attitude.  We don’t know our exact timeline, so for now I am grateful for this house.  My home.  Its built-in spice rack, beautiful hardwood floors, charming little kitchen.  I love living next to our best friends.  I love being within walking distance from 4 of our favorite families.  I love this neighborhood.  I love my chestnut tree.

Why are we leaving?  Our landlords can’t fix anything.  They are broke.  It’s sad, and my compassion for them has kept us from making this leap for a while now.  But when they told us that they wouldn’t fix a mold problem, even if it was making us sick, that was the final straw.  We cannot raise our child in a house this old unless it can be kept safe.

So we are looking for homes in the neighborhood to rent and are having trouble.  We looked into buying, but we can’t get a loan until Layne has been self-employed for another year.  God’s timing is not ours, so I am working on being content with a half-packed house.  Trying to keep it together as my boat is rocked.  Trying to accept that all my seedlings may not have a chance to make it to the garden this growing season.  I don’t like this in-between season, but it is a perfect chance to practice gratitude.

I am grateful that Layne and I are in sync with this decision.

I am grateful that we have a house to live in.

I am grateful for a renewed committment to this neighborhood.

I am grateful that our landlord FINALLY replaced the caulk in the tub and the bathroom fan.

I am grateful for our community.

I am grateful for God’s strength in my weakness.

I am eating for one for the first time in TWO YEARS. Landon is officially on his own, and I guess that means I am too. I can’t tell if I am thrilled or heartbroken.  I’m free!  But I am going to miss nursing.  It has been such a sweet and intimate time.  *Sigh*

My body has made me so proud by providing nourishment for this boy from when he was undetectably small until toddler-hood. Just one look at him and you can tell he got what he needed from me.  As for me, I never complained about the guilt free extra calories.

Here is my ode to nursing in pictures - don’t worry, they are modest!

Go easy, girl.

You are growing

Bit by bit

Leaf and stem

A ways from fruit,

But an eager thing.

You need a little sunshine,

But winter is not through.

Hardy plants

Take

Time.

Drink, eat, rest.

Succomb to the dirt -

Home, table, blanket.

Take what you need

For someday you will return.

Send those roots

Deep, dark, down.

Hidden intentions,

Prayers for your tomorrows.

You don’t own the soil

Or the Process.

A plant

Just longs to

Grow.