July 1, 2009

Sociology of Life

I can’t stop analyzing.  I am writing books in my head.  I am having theoretical debates with no one in particular.  My brain feels alive.  Who knew that motherhood would be a stimulant for my mind, rather than a suppressant?

I am fascinated at the shift of my interests toward all things pregnant and baby.  My days are filled with researching the sociology and history of circumcision, diapering, gender roles, pregnancy body image, and birthing.  It is thrilling to use my “sociological imagination” regarding things that are so NOT academic to me. People do study these things in big institutions on the highest floor, looking at us pregnant women through their objective, dark glasses - scratching their heads, rolling through the numbers.  I may join them someday.  And get paid.  (Fingers crossed.)  But for now, I am immersed in this world.  Every inch of my growing body is vibrating with the reality of this process.  My subjectivity is undeniable and beautiful.  This is my body, my baby, our journey.  

Some of my thoughts:

Circumcision.  The thing we Americans do to our sons because it was done to their fathers.  The more I read, the more I am amazed at the power of the status quo.  This expensive, medically unnecessary, highly personal tradition is often performed based on a strong cultural norm, rather than urgent medical need.  Our initial thought about this was, “Yeah, if it’s a boy, we will probably circumcise him.”  All of the men in our family are circumcised, and they seem fine.  Then I started to think about it in terms of this baby.  My baby.  Imagining him held tightly against a hospital bed, crying, wounded, because of an elective procedure….I needed to look into this - be sure that this is what we want.  And I was not satisfied with what I found.  

The most common reasons for circumcision that I have heard is protection against penile infection, and protection against identity issues (looking different from Dad, other boys in the locker room, etc.)  Penile infection as a result of circumcision is as common as penile infection from not circumcising.  So that’s a wash.  As far as identity, the percentage of non-circumcised males has gone from 20% to 50% in recent years.  Our son will have friends of both varieties: the Hoods and Skins, as my husband and his friends call them.  (Good grief…)  There still may be identity issues that he encounters, but Layne and I want to raise children who are capable of embracing differences among people with confidence and compassion.  They do not “need” to be like everyone else.

I will admit, our decision to not circumcise our son was not an easy one.  We both had to struggle through our cultural inertia and wrestle with the fact that we will stand alone on this one in our family circle.  Fortunately, both of our families are comprised of thoughtful, trusting, and respectful individuals.  

*Important Note* I do NOT subscribe to the theory that male circumcision is an equivalent or even a close relative of female genital mutilation.  I DO subscribe to the belief that the human body is created well and that surgery and medical intervention should be set aside for those rare times when it does not perform normally. (This philosophy has largely influenced our decisions regarding birth as well.)

The SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) Dilemma. Many of my thoughts regarding gender roles are highly informed by my undergrad studies and research.  They are not unique, but they have been reinforced by my experience as a young married woman, and now young mother.
   
Modern Feminism has, whether purposefully or not, continued the Industrial Revolution’s work of moving power, social value, and money, outside of the home and into the “work-place”.  Men were the first to leave home to work, and women are quickly following suit.  Now, I want to be clear that I in NO WAY support the unequal distribution of power and resources among the sexes.  I think women ABSOLUTELY should receive equal pay for equal work and that the Feminist Movement was a necessary social adjustment.  However, the movement of women towards empowerment has created a new “acceptable” woman.  No longer does the woman belong in the home, baking bread, she belongs in a power-suit, working shoulder to shoulder with her male counterparts.  The problem?  NO one belongs in the home anymore.  Men left, women are leaving.  Raising children is only “work” if you are getting paid for it, i.e. running a daycare, nannying.  Cooking, cleaning, managing the bills, buying groceries, doing the laundry - all of these were stripped of value, power, and honor a long time ago.  The difference now is that women are no longer obligated to remain in the domestic world.  No one is.  But the work still needs to be done!  (Women still perform a disproportionate amount of home labor compared to men, even when both are working equal amounts outside the home, but that is a different discussion.)  
    
What I want to know is why can’t domestic work receive equal social value as monetarily compensated work?   We have given women the power to choose which sphere to operate in, but our culture has made it appear that we have a choice between two very unequal words.  Empowerment, worth, acknowledgement?  Or submissive, mindless, dirty work?  You choose…
    
I have spoken with countless women who have decided to stay home while their children are young and have met intense scrutiny and, in many cases, pity.  I am starting to recognize this in my own life.  ”Oh, you’re not going to grad school yet?  Oh, you’re not going to “work”?  Oh…”  You would think that I burned my diploma, took out a chunk of my brain, flushed it down the toilet, locked up my intellectual potential and threw away the key.  Really?  Is it such a shameful, detrimental act for a woman to raise her own child?  Why is domestic work necessarily less satisfying, stimulating, worthwhile, than other forms of work?  I understand that there is a problem if women are not given a choice and are forced to stay home.  And that really happened to real people. But isn’t that an issue of force rather than an issue of activity?  
    
The home used to be the source of pride and validation for society.  Both men and women were expected to contribute to the running of a household and were, in many cultures and for many years, seen as equal partners.  We live in a pluralistic society where we have as many options for our lives as we can think up.  But I am saddened to know that the richness of home life has been tarnished by historical sexism to the point that it does not make the cut as a respectable option for a woman.  
    
Too bad, American culture.  I’m gonna stick it to you.  If you need me, I’ll be in my lovely home, baking bread, changing diapers, thinking sociologically, folding laundry, and loving it.

June 22, 2009

Boy-oh-boy!

So, my little nugget has a pen*s!  We are so thrilled about this little guy…he was as cute as can be depicted in an ultrasound!  Watching him move his little hands and practice swallowing had me in a puddle on the floor.  If it’s this bad in black and white, 2-D, I am DONE FOR when he comes in color. 

Next up:  Setting up the nursery!  (Pics to come.)  My mom and I already picked out fabric for his Nanny Quilt - a lot of rich, saturated colors.  Orange, yellow, dark blue, brown, green, and a little gold.  No sky blue for this little man.  And I can’t wait to pick out fabrics for all of the baby sewing I have up my sleeve.  But wait I must.  Fabric is not free. 

Keep growing, son!  We love you more than your 12 ounces can know.

June 15, 2009

Beautiful Daughters

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are anger and courage. Anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain as they are.

- St. Augustine

June 10, 2009

Bus Talk

Red-Haired Guy on the Bus: Is that your natural hair color?

Me: Yup.  Can’t dye it this color!

Guy: Oh…so it’s dyed?

Me: No.  It’s natural.

Guy: Oh…. [Looks confused]

*Awkward Pause*

Guy: I like being a red-head because people pay more attention to you.

Me: Yeah…

Guy: So you from around here?

Me: [Ahh, it begins.  This should get you to quit looking at me like that.]  Well, I went to school here but now my HUSBAND and I are living here and working.

Guy: Oh….

*Sudden end to his interest in our conversation.  The end.*

I love the bus….and creepy guys who hit on pregnant ladies.  To be fair, he was seated behind me and probably couldn’t see my slightly protruding belly.  It still cracked me up.  Can’t wait for Layne to come home so I can tell him that I still got it.  Uh-yeah.

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June 5, 2009

Momversation

A few months ago, I became aware of Momversations - web-hosted conversations of mommy bloggers about issues that mothers/women currently deal with.  It has been a fun distraction from chores and work, and I enjoy hearing what these moms have to say.  Most of the time.

Today I watched this episode on the recession and what some of the women are willing to give up.   I was expecting to hear about cars, dining out, any non-essential spending, yadda yadda.  Instead, my main impression was, “I, like, totally deserve these nails and oh-mah-God my hair….not to mention all the sacrifices I make….I need my gardner, nanny, housekeeper…doesn’t everyone?”  Ok, Chatchki, the nanny probably doesn’t “need” a nanny.  I was totally off-put.  (Except by Asha, who is easily my favorite on the forum.)

HOWEVER.  I read through some of the comments and this quote really stuck out to me:

“We have gotten into the habit of spending money we haven’t earned to buy things that we don’t need to impress people that we don’t like. So, get rid of that habit.”

Preach!

“But don’t be afraid of spending money if you have it.  When you take that trip, you’re giving employment to people who work in the airline industry. When you go to that restaurant, that waiter is going to get a tip. In fact, the more you circulate the money, the more you increase confidence and trust that everything is okay. Don’t overdo it but don’t hoard. Because when you start to hoard, you strangulate circulation. And the world works with giving and receiving.”

Makes sense.  I had to rethink my reaction.  So long as these women can afford to get their hair done, they may as well.  I would hope that they might also extend a helping hand to those less fortunate.  There are, after all, thousands of people who are really hurting because of this crisis.

So yes, if you are rich, please spend your money.  But don’t complain to me when you have to slim down to two pedicures per month instead of four.  I don’t give a rip, honey.

June 3, 2009

Compassion and Connection

The choice we face is broader than politics, deeper than charity. It is whether we see the world chiefly as property to be controlled, defined by walls and fences that must be built ever higher, ever thicker, ever tougher; or made up chiefly of an open weave of compassion and connection.

- Rabbi Arthur Waskow

May 23, 2009

Knot Master

My Eagle Scout husband is out of town for the weekend.  He is usually the one who would dig through the garage to find the rope, decide the most adequate type of knot, and set up the hammock in the back yard.  But, in his absence, I have filled the role of Knot Master.  Ok, so I didn’t know which knot to use, and had to look it up online when Layne suggested the bowline.  (I actually googled it as “bolin”, because that’s how it is pronouced.)  Regardless, I am feeling an unreasonable burst of pride and satisfaction.  I would post pictures, but when I try to upload them, I get an error.  I guess I will have to wait for the Web Master to get back home…

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May 22, 2009

Nesty-nester

I have so many mommy-urges today I don’t know which direction to go!  First, I hear the call of our bedroom, which has been in a state of chaos since we moved.  The craft/nursery side of the room (which is huge, so don’t feel bad that we’ll be cramped) has been completely neglected because 1.) I was sick and didn’t feel like doing ANYTHING, especially unpacking, and 2.) we’re in limbo between craft and baby.  I am not sure how much room we will have once we start getting the nursery ready, so I don’t want to make my craft supplies too comfortable.

Then there are things like this that the voice inside my head tells me I need to start sewing NOW.  My friend uses one when she nurses in public, and after inspecting it closely, I am confident that I can make something that serves the same function.  And not spend $35.

And I want to bake.  Bread, cake, cookies…I can’t choose.  And Layne is gone for the weekend, so I’ll eat it all.  Which, come to think of it, isn’t such a bad thing….

At the same time, I am tired and want to hang up the hammock, read a book, and fall asleep.

Decisions, decisions.

It is on days such as this that I am, once again, convinced that I have a beautiful life.

May 21, 2009

Extra-curricular

This past weekend was graduation at my Alma Mater.  I can’t believe that it has been a full year since I walked across that stage and received my diploma!  I was reflecting this week on what I have learned since being enrolled in formal education.  The following are lessons learned from my extra-curricular life:

  • Much of the content of life is out of my control. Death, life, the in-between, can all fall into your life without your permission.  Without warning.
  • Much of the content of life is in my control. My attitude, choices, and most of my activities depend on ME, not random circumstance.  If I want something to change, I need to make it happen.
  • I need structure. It has been exceedingly difficult for me to enjoy this freedom from school.  I built myself into a well-oiled academic machine.  Give me books, tests, papers, deadlines.  Expectations.  Without them I feel naked.  (I am currently working on sewing some of my own clothes.)
  • Worry is a waste of time and energy. Layne can attest to the fact that I don’t always act like I know this.  But I have made substantial progress.
  • Slow-cookers are a gift from God. The end.
  • Peace is a slippery bugger, but it is worth chasing down. Rest, expansion, deep breaths.   I still need practice.   My Achievement Nazi (not dead yet) fights to keep me anxious, dissatisfied, critical.  It may be a battle I will fight until the end of my life.  Bring it on, be-yotch.
  • Most people don’t spend a lot of time judging me. Gasp!  Really?!  Duh.  But for some reason, I get pretty wrapped up in people’s opinion of my marital status, use of my sociology degree, decision to become a mother, commitment to simplicity at the expense of my wardrobe and fashion sense.  The truth?  Most people in my life love and support me.  It’s that icky, sticky, tricky ubiquitous “they” that trips me up.  But “they” only matter if I let them.  Refer to second bullet point.
  • I am stronger than I give myself credit for. If you would have described this year to me last May, I would have placed my bets on me melting into a puddle of paralysis.  A good friend lost to suicide, the death of my first child and first niece in the same week, a permanently disabling back injury, months of daily puking, the hardest season my marriage has faced, and frequent visits from the Financial-Freakout Fairy.  Not a single month free from one of these events.  Recipe for disaster.  But I survived.  And what is more is that I know myself better, I love my husband more thoroughly, my faith is secured more soundly, and my sense of wellness is more deeply rooted than ever.
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May 19, 2009

Eurovision

I was pleased to watch the collaborative efforts of artists Noa and Mira Awad in this Israeli-Arab musical cry for peace.  While the song may not change policy or move leaders’ hands more quickly, their cooperation is a symbol of the thousands of peace-loving individuals willing to work together who believe that “There Must Be Another Way”.  I hope more media attention is drawn to efforts like this instead of spotlighting only the bloodshed and sensation of the conflict in Palestine.  There is another way.  May we find it together, and soon.